RhinoaLunar

(Ok, so yesterday I wrote this letter to my son who was stillborn six years ago tomorrow.  I'm not sure if it will help me or not but I need to try.  Here goes…)

Alex,

Six years ago the dates were aligned just as they are now.  On a Tuesday just like today I was excited because come November I'd get to meet you.  Things didn't work out as planned though and while Wednesday would be terrible, Thursday held horrors worthy of hell.  I still wish it had been me that day.  If trading could have somehow saved you then I'd have no regrets about dying in your stead.  Isn't that how a mother's supposed to feel naturally anyway?  Sometimes I can still feel your tiny feet kicking me.  I was convinced you were so strong.  I miss you and all that could have been.  I wish I could have joined you that day if not trade places.  I feel by living without you I have failed as your mother.  I should have been there with you on your journey.  Instead you had to face death alone.  I can never atone for letting you down like this.  If you had lived Thursday would be your birthday.  I'd be buying balloons and making goodie bags for all your friends.  What kind of cake would you have wanted?  Would you want pizza or a barbecue?  Is there any theme you'd be excited for?  What sort of presents would you have asked for?  Would you still crawl into bed with mommy or would you be too old and cool for that by now?  I already have your handsome little face in my mind, but I want so much more.  I hate whatever stole you from me.  If I could destroy whatever it was you still wouldn't be here though.  Maybe I'd feel better for a moment at least.  One precious moment of peace.  Is that asking too much?  Would you spend weekends with your father making him crazy only to have him adore you in spite of himself?  Would you run circles around your cousin?  You have another cousin on the way now.  Would you protect her just like a brother?

I love you.  I always will.  I just wish I could stop hurting so much but the hurt reminds me that you were really here.  I don't want the hurt to go away forever…But a vacation would be nice.  I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.  I just wish you were here and that I hadn't been so helpless.

Love, mommy

The latest chapter of To Be Loved by Darkness is now up!  Click the link and enjoy!
anime.adultfanfiction.net/stor…

My True Form of Sebastian Michaelis is almost ready.  I'm going to try a test run photo shoot and make-up session either tonight or tomorrow night minus the wings and contact lenses.  It will be a good test to see if my original Sebastian wig will work or if I should try something a bit different.  If the shoot goes well I am debating posting them or saving them all for the big reveal at Metrocon this year.  The debate isn't really over surprising people at con so much as it could be a mild spoiler for To Be Loved by Darkness.  I created a back story for Sebastian and the wings are very much catered to it.  The back story is not revealed until the second story arc which has not been posted yet.  I don't want to post pics that would spoil the surprise but seeing as the wings will not be a part of the shoot it may be alright.  We'll see.  
On a side note if you're in the Miami area (or can be this Sunday) then I urge you to follow this link and click attend!  www.facebook.com/event.php?eid…. Hanami is performing AND its to benefit a beautiful animal that should not be forced to perform any longer at her age.  Join us in peaceful protest and great music.  Lolita is over 40 years old and she needs to be allowed to rest.  Granted her freedom is not possible after so long in captivity, but she can be allowed the decency to live out her days in peace.

anime.adultfanfiction.net/stor…
Chapter 11 of To Be Loved by Darkness is up now.  Hope you enjoy!

There is now also a volcanic threat to the south part of Japan as a result of the earthquake.  Experts predict another quake in three to four days.  To top that off the number three reactor at the nuclear plant had some sort of explosion despite colling efforts.  Thankfully the people in the surrounding areas had been successfully evacuated.  To show support for Japan and give the people some hope please attend my Facebook event.   www.facebook.com/event.php?eid… media (mainly Twitter and Facebook) have been helping people contact loved ones and many Japanese citizens have been encouraged by the positive posts in support of their country during all of this.  This page is to show support.  We are sharing words and pictures of encouragement as well as heartwarming rescue stories.  It is not a place for hate speech, doom and gloom, or disaster footage.