(Ok, so yesterday I wrote this letter to my son who was stillborn six years ago tomorrow.  I'm not sure if it will help me or not but I need to try.  Here goes…)

Alex,

Six years ago the dates were aligned just as they are now.  On a Tuesday just like today I was excited because come November I'd get to meet you.  Things didn't work out as planned though and while Wednesday would be terrible, Thursday held horrors worthy of hell.  I still wish it had been me that day.  If trading could have somehow saved you then I'd have no regrets about dying in your stead.  Isn't that how a mother's supposed to feel naturally anyway?  Sometimes I can still feel your tiny feet kicking me.  I was convinced you were so strong.  I miss you and all that could have been.  I wish I could have joined you that day if not trade places.  I feel by living without you I have failed as your mother.  I should have been there with you on your journey.  Instead you had to face death alone.  I can never atone for letting you down like this.  If you had lived Thursday would be your birthday.  I'd be buying balloons and making goodie bags for all your friends.  What kind of cake would you have wanted?  Would you want pizza or a barbecue?  Is there any theme you'd be excited for?  What sort of presents would you have asked for?  Would you still crawl into bed with mommy or would you be too old and cool for that by now?  I already have your handsome little face in my mind, but I want so much more.  I hate whatever stole you from me.  If I could destroy whatever it was you still wouldn't be here though.  Maybe I'd feel better for a moment at least.  One precious moment of peace.  Is that asking too much?  Would you spend weekends with your father making him crazy only to have him adore you in spite of himself?  Would you run circles around your cousin?  You have another cousin on the way now.  Would you protect her just like a brother?

I love you.  I always will.  I just wish I could stop hurting so much but the hurt reminds me that you were really here.  I don't want the hurt to go away forever…But a vacation would be nice.  I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.  I just wish you were here and that I hadn't been so helpless.

Love, mommy